What I Tell Every Couple in Their First Couples Therapy Session

If I could promise you that by the end of the first, or possibly second, session in therapy with me, I would tell you exactly how you were contributing to the issues in your relationship, and exactly the work you were going to need to do to repair it, REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOUR PARTNER DOES, would you want to come back and get to work?

Two Attitudes That Determine Whether Marriage Counseling Will Work

Would you say, “OK Dave, it stings a little, but it also feels good to know what I can do to make things better. I am so committed to my relationship that I’m going to start immediately. In fact I’m not even going to wait until next session. I’m going to go home and Google it, watch some videos, or buy a book.” If this is your attitude, there’s a good chance you’re going to be able to save your relationship — assuming you actually do the work.

Or would you say, “What about them? What is their job going to be? Why should I do my part if they are not going to do theirs? I hear you, Dave, but I really don’t think what I’m doing is all that bad, and there’s nothing I can do to change until they change.” If this is your attitude, that doesn’t bode well for the relationship. Either you are going to need a come-to-Jesus moment, or there is a good chance your relationship will remain the status quo — which means it will continue to get worse, until your partner eventually files for divorce.

You have to either come in with the first attitude, or be willing to move toward it and away from the second.

Why “It’s All My Partner’s Fault” Will Kill Your Relationship

Imagine if you came into therapy miserable about the state of your relationship, and I said to you, “Well, there’s nothing you can do. I’ve told your partner it’s up to them, and hopefully they’ll do some work to make things better — but hey, they might not. It’s totally out of your hands.”

Would that feel good? “Yes! He says it’s 100% my partner’s fault, and there’s nothing I can do whatsoever. I knew I was right and they were wrong.”

Great. After that self-righteous elation wears off, what do you do then? You are powerless. You are at the end of your partner's chain. There is nothing you can do to save this dying thing you invested years of your life into.

Do You Want to Be Right, or Do You Want to Save Your Relationship?

So what do you want?

Do you want to be vindicated — told you are right, and that it’s up to your partner to change? Or do you want to know as soon as possible exactly where your responsibilities lie, what you personally need to fix, so you can immediately get down to the business of doing everything you can on your end to save this thing?

Because you can’t have it both ways.

Why Splitting Responsibility 50/50 Doesn’t Work in Couples Therapy

And don’t say, “Neither, Dave. I want to work on my 50%, and I want them to work on their 50%.” This sounds good, but it never works, for two main reasons.

First, I’ve never seen a person say this who is more focused on their own “50%” than on their partner’s. So it’s really just a way of saying: I will consider changing, but my partner has to change first.

Second, responsibility for problems in relationships is not 50/50. That’s a myth. If one partner is complaining that the other has annoying habits, isn’t affectionate enough, doesn’t pull their weight around the house, or doesn’t give them enough sex — and the other says that when they argue, their partner is yelling and screaming, destroying things, and cursing (often in front of the children), or shutting down and storming off without saying where they’re going or when they’re coming back, or giving the silent treatment for days at a time — one of these things is not like the other. We don’t treat the first set of complaints as equivalent to the second set, because the second set means one person in the relationship is feeling emotionally, and possibly even physically, unsafe.

By the way — a big part of why your relationship is struggling to begin with is probably because of attitude number two. That attitude stinks, so it’s perfect to call it number two!

If you had attitude number one, you would probably have already fixed the problem and wouldn’t need help to begin with.

The Truth About What It Takes to Fix a Struggling Relationship

I know this is hard medicine. I am not trying to be mean — I’m trying to show you the respect you deserve by telling you the truth. Jesus said, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” Aldous Huxley hilariously and poignantly echoed him: “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.” In reality, the truth often makes you mad before it sets you free.

That’s the real work of couples therapy. Feeling what it feels like to sit with the truth. It’s not pretending everything is 50/50 when it isn’t. It isn’t giving everyone equal air time, as if therapy were a talk show. And it definitely isn’t about teaching a few helpful communication tricks that may change things around the margins but don’t create basic safety, true partnership, and equality in the relationship.

My job is to be a truth-teller in your life — to help you find what the truth is, face up bravely to that truth, and then courageously follow that truth into a new way of being. That’s where your freedom lies.