Many couples who seek me out for couples therapy aren't sure whether their relationship can be saved. Typically by the time a couple seeks out therapy, things have been so bad for so long that one or both partners are afraid it may be too late for them. (Someday I'll do a whole post on why you should get into couples therapy as soon as possible when there's a problem.)

I do free 35-minute video calls with every couple interested in working with me, so I can answer questions, learn more about how I might be able to help, and we can get a sense of whether we'd be a good fit to work together. Often on these calls, I see hopeful signs that indicate that therapy may well be successful. I want to share a few of those hopeful signs here, in case this is a concern you are having in your own relationship. 

The more of these things are true in your relationship, the more hopeful I would be that I could help you make things better. Not having many or any of these going for you doesn't mean progress in therapy is not possible, but it will mean therapy is going to be harder and take longer. 

Both partners acknowledge there are problems in the relationship

Sometimes during our free call, one partner will say things are really bad, and they really need help, and the other partner will say things aren't that bad, that the other person is just too sensitive, or is exaggerating. It's a much better place to start in therapy when both partners see, understand, and admit there are problems, otherwise it may take many sessions (and many dollars!) for the couple to even get to agreement on this basic thing.

There is basic agreement between partners about what the most significant problems are

Even better than both partners admitting there are issues is when both partners seem to be on the same page regarding what those issues are. It's okay that they have different perspectives on those issues, but agreement on what the issues are is going to make therapy easier.

Both partners can articulate specific ways they are each contributing to their difficulties

While it's not true that responsibility for problems is always 50/50, I feel encouraged when I hear both partners pointing out specific things they may each need to change. This makes it more likely each partner is coming in with one of the most essential attitudes in successful therapy: I have to work on me and my patterns, reactivity, and skillsets.

Both partners indicate that they believe therapy is necessary in order for them to make progress (one partner isn't dragging the other partner into therapy)

When one partner indicates the only reason they are coming to therapy is because they're trying to make the other one happy, or they were given an ultimatum, this doesn't bode well for progress. What it tells me is one partner has low insight into what is happening in the relationship or isn't very responsive to the unhappiness of the other. Would it be a good idea for a losing sports team to just keep losing game after game but "trying harder," without coaching, and without learning what is going wrong and how they can fix it?

Oftentimes couples are naive in a similar way, thinking "trying harder" is going to fix things, but they often don't even know what that would look like, or exactly what they are doing that keeps causing them to lose again and again. When the same issues come up repeatedly, it suggests there are specific relationship skills one or both partners need to acquire or brush up on so they are able to make the changes they say they want to make.

Both partners are either in personal counseling, or open to considering it if I think it will help the relationship

Personal problems affect how we show up in our relationships. If we're struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, problems with focus and attention, sexual issues, self-esteem issues, negativity, or anything else, it's going to affect how we function in all relationships, especially our most intimate one. I don't always require couples to get individual therapy, but there are times I'll ask one or both partners to commit to it, and we'll write it into the treatment plan as a condition necessary for me to work with a couple. 

No issues with substance abuse/addictions or domestic violence

If you have either or both of these in your relationship, that doesn't mean you can't be helped. Please don't assume it's hopeless, but those issues frequently make therapy more complex and cause it to take significantly more time. 

The couple says things don't really seem that bad, but they are trying to seek out help as soon as possible so things don't head that direction

This is one of the things I most love to hear from couples on our initial consultation call. The length of time a problem has been going on is directly related to how likely it is that a couple can be helped. 

When is the best time to get into therapy, if you're having relationship issues? The best time would have been as soon as you detected a problem was popping up over and over again. 

The second best time is now.

And speaking of now, get in touch with me to schedule your free meet & greet consultation with me and get you going in therapy!

--
[Read this story on Medium]