A couple came to see me a few months ago because things in their relationship were changing. The fire was dying out. They could both see it happening and they were both afraid. I liked that. More couples should be that concerned the first time they notice the spark starting to fade.
After a few questions, the problem was clear. It was almost embarrassingly simple. They weren't spending time together. They weren't doing the things they used to do — so they were gradually stopping to feel the things they used to feel.
I had them on my schedule for that evening and two additional appointments. I told them they didn't need to be in my office. They needed to be out, with each other, having fun. Since they already had child care lined up for the next two weeks, I suggested they cancel the appointments and turn those hours into dates. Take the time and money they would have spent on therapy and spend it on each other instead.
Like most couples, they hadn't connected the dots. They hadn't noticed the gradual, inevitable relationship between time spent enjoying each other and the feeling of being excited to be around each other. The connection seems obvious once you name it. But for most couples living at full speed, it isn't obvious at all.
Yes, But We Have Real Life to Deal With
I know what you're thinking. "But Dave, we have small children." "We work different shifts." "We're adults with responsibilities, not college students."
All true. And none of it changes what I'm about to say.
Your relationship will not retain its spark when all of your time goes to managing the family business. Running a household can be satisfying and even exciting in its own way. But even the most dedicated business owner goes home at the end of the day. If you're not careful, the business of family will consume every available minute, and that will leave your relationship dull, strained, or worse.
The choices we make have consequences. Most of us have more choices available than we realize. But once we choose, we don't get to escape the consequences.
Somewhere in the middle of all the family business, the financial strain, the school schedules and car repairs and everything else it takes to make a family work, you have to prioritize time together. Not "might have to." Have to. If you don't tend to your relationship, it will lose its spark. That's not a possibility. It's a certainty.
What This Actually Looks Like
Think of a houseplant. If you neglect it most of the year and then put it in front of a fire hydrant for one afternoon, it won't survive. Couples who think they can neglect each other for months and then recover the spark with an annual weekend retreat are operating on the same logic.
What it takes, instead, is something regular and modest. Dinner just the two of you once a week is ideal. Once a month is better than never. The specifics will depend on your finances, your child care situation, your schedules. But on some kind of regular basis, without children, without third wheels, without any distraction, the two of you need to connect.
Yes, it will cost time and money you're already stretched for. But it's cheaper than counseling. I genuinely mean that — I'd love to help you, but let's make people like me your last resort, not your first.
