I was once in a heated discussion with a friend who, completely exasperated, said: "Dave, what you're saying just isn't true. And you know it." His view was so self-evident to him, so obviously correct, that he couldn't accept that my perspective was coming from a place of basic honesty.
That moment captures something I've come to call the Presumption of Basic Rightness — and it's one of the most powerful forces working against intimacy in relationships.
What the Presumption of Basic Rightness Is
Every person goes through the world seeing things through a particular set of eyes, shaped by their specific experiences, wiring, and history. And we all, without being aware of it, presume that what we think and feel is essentially correct. Not just "my opinion" — but the truth, or something very close to it.
This is why I call it a presumption rather than an assumption. Assumptions you can notice and question. Presumptions are so deep they don't feel like presumptions. They feel like reality. You're not aware of having a worldview — you're aware of seeing the world as it is.
The consequence is significant: when someone sees things differently from you, they aren't just coming from a different perspective. From inside the presumption, they appear to be denying or rejecting the obvious truth. This is how simple differences in perspective get inflated into character flaws.
How This Plays Out in Relationships
Two people in an intimate relationship each carry this presumption. Each person's view is as self-evident to them as yours is to you. Which means that in most conflicts, both partners are genuinely convinced they're seeing things clearly — and both are, to some degree, right about their own experience and wrong to assume the other person's experience is simply confused or dishonest.
True connection requires you to get underneath your own presumption long enough to genuinely recognize that their view is as real and legitimate to them as yours is to you. Not that they're correct. Not that you have to agree. But that they're being honest. That their perspective comes from a sincere place.
What This Actually Requires
You don't have to believe what your partner believes. You do have to believe that they believe it. The work of real connection is learning to recognize your own presumption at the moment it's most powerful — in the middle of a disagreement — and choosing to stay curious about their experience rather than certain about your own.
