Therapists talk to each other about this more than you might expect: the challenge of actually doing in our own lives what we regularly help clients do in theirs. Most of my colleagues have agreed with me on something over the years. The hard part isn't knowing what to do. It's remembering to ask yourself: What would I tell someone else who was going through this?
When you ask that question, the answer comes about 90% of the time. Immediately. Clearly. What seemed foggy a moment ago snaps into focus.
You don't have to be a therapist for this to work for you.
What You Already Know
A lot of what I teach couples to do is stuff they already do — with other people, or with their own children. It's the applying-it-to-each-other part that breaks down.
Couples who take harsh, contemptuous tones with each other are often the same people who tell their children, "Don't take that tone with me." They know the way something is said matters at least as much as what is said. They just stop applying that wisdom in their most important relationship.
Partners who make assumptions about each other's motives — who decide they know what the other person meant without checking — often spend energy teaching their kids not to do exactly that.
Partners who deflect, minimize, and avoid accountability have usually spent years instilling accountability in their children. They know better. They just haven't connected the dots.
The Question That Unlocks It
So here's the question to start asking yourself, regularly, when you're stuck in your relationship:
What would I tell my child, my best friend, or someone I cared about if they came to me with this exact situation?
Most of the time, the answer you give yourself will be honest, clear, and genuinely useful. Because you already have the wisdom. You just need to point it toward yourself.
The moment you begin asking this question regularly, you'll find that you know far more than you've been giving yourself credit for. The gap isn't knowledge. It's application.
