Somewhere in Gottman's research — and I love that this showed up in serious academic work on relationships — is a finding that the couples who stay together are significantly better at making each other laugh than the couples who don't.

Not just at laughing together, though that matters too. But at generating genuine, warm, affectionate humor specifically between them. Playfulness as a feature of the relationship, not just something that happened at the beginning and disappeared.

What Humor Actually Does

There's a specific type of humor that's protective in relationships, and it's worth naming it carefully because it gets confused with things that aren't protective at all.

Gentle humor is warm and inclusive. It finds the comedy in shared experience — in the absurdity of the situation, in a quirk you both recognize, in something you can laugh at together. It says: we're in on this together. It brings you closer.

Contemptuous humor is different. It laughs at rather than with. It uses comedy as cover for criticism — the "I'm just joking" that isn't, the eye-roll wrapped in a smile. That kind of humor is corrosive. It's one of the most reliable early warning signs in couples who are moving toward serious trouble.

The difference isn't always easy to describe, but most people can feel it. One type leaves you feeling more connected. The other leaves a small bruise.

Why Playfulness Matters So Much

Long-term relationships have a risk of becoming merely functional. Managing the house, the finances, the kids, the schedules. All of that is necessary. None of it is what you fell in love with.

Playfulness is one of the things that keeps a relationship feeling like a relationship rather than a business arrangement. It's a way of saying: I still enjoy you. You still delight me. We're not just co-workers in this life — we're still friends who can make each other laugh.

When I see a couple in a hard place, one of the things I'm always watching for is whether there are still moments of lightness between them. When humor is completely gone — when every exchange is serious or tense or careful — that tells me something about how far the relationship has drifted. And when a couple can still make each other laugh even in the middle of working on real problems, that tells me something hopeful.

When was the last time you and your partner laughed together — not at something on a screen, but at something between you?

Did any of that resonate? I’d love to do a free 35–45 minute video meet & greet with you — no commitment, just a conversation to see if working together makes sense. Let’s Talk!