You might be on this page right now because you're just exploring my site. More likely, you've heard about discernment counseling, or someone told you to look it up online, and you're curious. After all, it's a fairly new process used in the field of relationship counseling, and most people aren't familiar with it.

Here I will explain to you what discernment counseling is, how the goals and process are different from relationship therapy, and how to know whether this is the best route for your relationship.

What Discernment Counseling Is

Discernment counseling is a process for couples where one partner is "leaning in," wanting to do therapy and willing to do whatever is needed to repair the relationship, but the other partner is "leaning out," either not sure whether they want to stay married or perhaps starting to feel like maybe they don't.

Couples in this place are not like couples seeking therapy. When couples seek relationship therapy, saving the relationship is the stated goal. Both partners are confident that is what they want, although perhaps with differing levels of commitment and confidence.

Discernment counseling is for couples where even this is not clear to both partners. One partner has reached the point where they don't know if they want to stay together anymore, or they have perhaps already contacted an attorney, or even filed for divorce. But even this far along in the splitting-up process, they are still not quite positive that this is what they want to do, maybe because they still love or care for their partner, or because of what will happen to the children, or perhaps they are concerned about the financial consequences of divorce.

The Main Goal of Discernment Counseling

The goal of discernment counseling is to use a systematic process to help a couple come to one of three decisions about where to go next with their relationship.

a. Suspend any divorce or separation process that may already be happening, and enter couples therapy for six months with the intention of seeing if it's possible to save the relationship.

b. Stick with the status quo. This is, in effect, deciding not to decide. This is not typically what anyone wants, but both partners need to understand that if they can't arrive at decision a or c, this is what they are deciding by default. There is no judgment made about this by the therapist, but partners need to understand and own this as a decision.

c. Move forward with separation and divorce.

The Process of Discernment Counseling

The First Call - Whereas couples counseling begins with a call between the therapist and both partners, since they have already agreed to pursue therapy, discernment counseling begins with each partner having a separate conversation with me. I find out if this is truly what each person wants to do at this time and look for signs that discernment counseling may not be the best route at this time. If those calls suggest the couple will likely benefit from discernment counseling, the partners both fill out and submit the necessary legal paperwork, and we schedule the first session.

The First Session - This session will usually last a full two hours as I'm helping both partners understand the goals and process of the counseling, as well as come to understand the feelings and perspectives of each partner better. Unlike couples therapy, discernment counseling mostly happens with each partner one-on-one. At the end of each partner's one-on-one session, they record one "takeaway," something they realized or came to understand in that session. We then bring back the other partner and share that information with them. When both partners have finished their individual interviews and shared their individual takeaways with each other, each partner states whether they are any closer to any of our three stated options: a, b, or c. As long as neither partner has definitively chosen separation/divorce, the couple decides whether to schedule another session.

Future Sessions - Whereas couples therapy can go ten sessions, twenty sessions, or more (depending on couple goals and the issues involved), discernment counseling is a maximum of five sessions. Sessions after the first are similar to the first session, only I'm spending less time hearing about the issues, and more time helping the leaning-out partner understand what they can expect to happen with any choice they make. And I'm working with the leaning-in partner to help them understand how important space is for the leaning-out partner, and what kinds of things may make it more likely the leaning-out partner will choose to stay and what kinds of things may make it more likely they will choose to leave.

At some point in the process, couples usually will choose option a or c. If they choose a, we move into our six months of couples therapy and I conduct that therapy much the same way as with any other couple, though not exactly. If they choose to divorce, I offer to assist them in any way I can in making their split as amicable as possible, and helping them navigate the process of informing children and working through details. Some couples choose to retain me to do this work, others thank me for helping them decide, and that is the end of our work together.