More and more frequently I am talking to prospective couples who want to hire me to help them, but have either had negative experiences with prior couples therapy, or are in couples counseling with another counselor at that very moment but looking for a new one. These couples tell me their couples counselor didn’t seem to know what to do. Or that they tried CBT, or EMDR, or ACT, or some other approach that is used commonly with individuals. Or they seemed content to write off the couple’s issues as a manifestation of trauma. Many report the therapist sat in silence while the couple argued, week after week, and never seemed to have much of anything to say.

In this video, I share a piece of information from the research of Dr. John Gottman that is so powerful that if most therapists knew it, they’d realize they need more training in working with couples, and if more couples knew it, they’d realize that couples counseling is going to be very different than what they had envisioned.